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Excerpts From a Dog's Daily Diary
8.00am Oh, Boy! Dog Food! My Favourite!
9.30am Oh, Boy! A car ride! My Favourite
9.40am Oh, Boy! A Walk! My Favourite
10.30am Oh, Boy! Getting Rubbed and Petted! My Favourite
11.30am Oh, Boy! Dog Food! My Favourite
Noon Oh, Boy! The Kids! My Favourite
1.00pm Oh, Boy! The Yard! My Favourite
4.00pm Oh, Boy! To the Park! My Favourite
5.00pm Oh, Boy! Dog Food! My Favourite
5.30pm Oh, Boy! Pretty Mums! My Favourite
6.00pm Oh, Boy! Playing Ball! My Favourite
6.30pm Oh, Boy! Watching TV with my Master! My Favourite
8.30pm Oh, Boy! Sleeping in Master's Bed! My Favourite
Excerpts From A Cat's Daily Diary:
Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disguise and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair, must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overhead that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced that the other captives and flunkies are snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, he speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the high metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time........... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Known Feline Ailments Author Unknown
Having conquered cat flu, triumphed over tapeworm and braved behavioural quirks, it is time to focus attention on some oft-observed, but little-documented, afflictions of cats.
Symptoms: The affected cat places one side of its head on the ground as though cheek-marking the concrete, carpet etc. After several such manoeuvres, the legs on that side of the cat suddenly collapse, leaving the cat waggling its feet in the air.
Treatment: This involves placing the palm of one hand on the exposed belly and rubbing gently. There are side-effects though - some feline sufferers attack the rubbing hand while others recover spontaneously, often after prolonged treatment. This condition is probably incurable and any cat which requires prolonged treatment after an attack will most likely suffer repeated attacks of collapsible legs throughout its lifetime.
Symptoms: The affected cat repeatedly head butts any available part of a readily available human and turns its head slightly so that the lips and cheek are rubbed against legs, arms, clothing etc. This condition gets its name from a contraction of the phrase "soggy nudging." Snudging may well be a form of excessive scent-marking. A bad attack can result in soggy clothing.
Treatment: Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most attacks subside between 10 minutes to 1 hour after onset of symptoms. You may need to dry off snudged clothing or skin. Attacks recur frequently, usually when the most readily available human is engrossed in a TV program, book or telephone call.
Symptoms: The cat spreads to take up all available free bed space at night. It then expands a bit more until any human occupants occupy the smallest possible area of bed. It may do this on top or underneath the covers or on the pillow. It is highly contagious - any other cats on the bed will also develop symptoms of bed-hogging.
Treatment: The most obvious solution is to evict the cat from the bed. If this is morally unfeasible, train yourself not to give way as the cat expands. Buying a bigger bed is probably pointless as most affected cats can easily expand to fill standard, queen-sized and king-sized beds. Otherwise, simply train yourself to sleep while hanging precariously off the side of the bed. Attacks of bed-hogging have been known to last up to 23 hours (in one case a 3-day attack was noted by a cat-owner who was confined to bed with flu; the cat thoughtfully kept her company during this time).
IRRITABLE LAP SYNDROME
Symptoms: The cat appears unable to settle comfortably on laps, instead treading, kneading, rearranging itself, fidgeting, vocalizing, getting up and turning around, falling off lap and getting back on again, attacking magazines, needlework, computer keyboard, telephone etc.
Treatment: Immediate treatment is essential. Drop whatever you are doing (literally if need be) and give 100% attention to the sufferer otherwise symptoms may escalate and become quite distressing to the lap-owner. Only prolonged attention will cure an attack of Irritable Lap Syndrome. Like Collapsible Legs this syndrome is incurable, although attacks may be effectively treated as and when they occur.
LAP FUNGUS DISORDER
Symptoms: Having taken over a human lap, the cat proceeds to spread in all planes. This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms such as high volume purring, dribbling, kneading and snoring. The condition is highly contagious and several fungoid cats may infest a lap simultaneously.
Treatment: Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is ineffective. Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is required to alleviate the worst symptoms although in a number of cats, such treatment actually exasperates the condition. This disorder manifests itself periodically through the affected cat's life and there is no long-term cure.
Symptoms: Varied: sucking at clothing, owners earlobes/nose/fingers/skin, drooling, glazed expression. Often accompanied by kneading and high volume purring.
Treatment: Ultimately incurable. It is possible to remove smurglable items from around the cat. The ailment may be transmitted to humans in the form of large laundry bills, misshapen clothing and chapped skin.
Symptoms: Random dashes through to helter-skelter running through house in pursuit of unseen prey. Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible entities and some authorities have linked them to UFO sightings or feel that they may be diminutive other-dimensional beings. Cats suffering from greeblingz typically have wild-eyed expressions. There is a minor danger of greeblingz attaching themselves to humans; if a cat tackles such greeblingz, injury to humans may result. A very few cats are naturally immune.
Treatment: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the condition appears unrelated to other forms of seizure. Avoid getting in the way of a cat engaged in greebling hunting. Attacks usually subside spontaneously, perhaps as greeblingz return to their own dimension. These irritating creatures are not visible to human eyes, but no doubt the superior sight and hearing of cats enables them to see them.
10. Do unto others whatever the hell you want to.
9. The world is your litter box.
8. Always put off until tomorrow anything that interferes with a nap.
7. Look before you lick.
6. Pride goeth before ... you've got to be friggin' kidding me!
5. You scratch my back.
4. Strike while the feet are bare.
3. When in doubt, wash.
2. If at first you don't succeed, act like you intended to fail.
and the Number 1 Cat Proverb...
1. The way to your owner's heart is through their ankles when they least expect it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Feline Situation Wanted Ads
Gentle cat, conservationist, seeks refined home where manners count more than mousing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gourmet seeks position as chief food taster. Excellent taste in venison, salmon and other fine meats.Connoisseur of cream. Will indicate quality of all foods tasted with loud purring.
Young cat, suffering delusions of lion hood, requires easily scared family. Not yet able to dispatch wildebeest, will practice regularly on local wildlife.
Elderly tabby seeks employment as bed warmer. Will keep bed warm throughout day in return for daily salary of Whiskas and water. Gets along well with similarly inclined felines of all colors and willing to work as a team or will cover additional beds on shift rotation basis.
Mother's help seeks post, will undertake dish-licking and general purring. Willing to supervise well-behaved children. No tail-pullers need apply.
Retired supervisor, skilled in entertaining children seeks position as nanny/child minder. Has experience of working in large unruly household. Very tolerant, has trained large family now living overseas.
Daredevil, enjoys living dangerously, seeks untamed wilderness to explore/subdue between breakfast and evening dinner. Will keep territory free of children, dogs, rabbits and other cats.
Will contribute towards own meals.
Adagio dancer and operatic singer prepared to give exhibitions any time, need board and lodging together. Midnight performances a specialty.
Small conscientious cat willing to work hard in return for good home; will tackle and destroy any creature up to a fair-sized moth; will scare away flies; not afraid of spiders.
Sweet-natured, well-behaved cat, handicapped by enormous size, needs large country estate. Would make ideal companion/chaperone for single person with strong lap, good income and excellent taste in food.
Reformed juvenile delinquent seeks position with understanding family. No longer bites unless meals are late. Suitable replacement for guard dog.
Retired rodent-control operative seeks position controlling slow or disabled rats, maintaining physical presence or willing to supervise younger cats.
Tortoiseshell sisters seek large cat basket, sleeps 2, in well appointed location with en-suite gas-fire. Fully qualified lap-warmers/purrers, willing to occupy laps on job-share basis. No mousing.
Trouble getting up in the morning? Enthusiastic feline alarm clock, preset to 5am seeks position after previous job fell through. Punctual, seven days/week.
Black and white cat seeks neck to warm. Suitable replacement for hot water bottle, does not cool down during night.
Your cat waits and meows at the front door when you arrive. Is it saying:
a) Welcome home
b) The phone rang twice while you were out
c) Feed me, NOW
Your cat meows at the door when you go out. Is it saying:
a) Please don't leave me here all alone
c) But what if I get hungry while you're out?
Your cat digs its claws in your leg. Is this:
a) An unsuppressed primal instinct
b) A sign of affection
c) A demand to be fed now
Your cat scratches at the door after being fed: Is it saying:
a) Lemme out - I need to use the garden
b) Wanna go out and play
c) Wonder what they've got to eat next door?
Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean:
a) It's hungry
b) It's lost
c) You're hungry
Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this:
b) something to keep you going till supper's ready
c) inedible junk to be scorned in favor of what the human's got.
Your human removes you from the top of the television. Does this mean:
a) You're in trouble - better not do it again
b) Nothing - humans do this from time to time
c) The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it.
Staircases are for:
a) Getting up to the human's bedroom at 4am
b) Lying in wait in the dark at the top of
c) Walking down just slower than the human in front of it.
d) all of the above
Cat's Application Form for Potential Adopters
Your Name: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Name of Spouse:
Address of home I will be assuming:
Square footage of home:
Total Sq. Ft. of human sleeping quarters (referred hereinafter as 'Servants Quarters') (Not to exceed 5% of home sq. footage):
My sleeping quarters will be (circle one):
- On a cat bed.
- On your bed. (referred hereinafter as 'my' bed)
- On the floor.
- On the furniture.
- On the stairs.
- In the garage.
- Anywhere I want.
No. of human children in my home:
No. of children who might pull my tail:
Previous cat experience (circle all that apply):
- I have recently owned one or more cats.
- I was recently owned by one or more cats.
- Fed a cat.
- Been slept on by a cat.
- Cleaned a litter box.
- Bathed a cat.
- Been scratched by a cat.
- Picked cat fur off my clothes.
- Picked cat fur out of my eyes.
- Accidentally ran over a cat.
- Allergic to cats.
- Chased cats out of yard.
- Cleaned up cat puke.
- Stepped in a hairball.
Any Canines in residence? (circle one):
Have you ever had a cat run away from this address in the last three years?
If yes, please explain yourself:
Your Expected salary (circle one):
- $200 weekly
- $100 weekly
- Nothing, just the satisfaction of knowing you took me in.
- You pay me for living with you.
Location of litter box (circle one or all that apply):
Cat will have outside privileges? (circle one):
Cat will be de-clawed? (circle one):
Servant names (List all dwellers of home, including yours):
Breakfast will be served not later than (circle one):
Dinner will be served (circle one-careful, there is only one right answer):
- Upon demand.
- Eat what's left over from breakfast.
Menu (circle all that apply):
- Meat Loaf
- BBQ Chicken
- Filet Mignon
- Tournados with Bearnaise
- Roti De Porc Poele
- Filet of Fish Poached in Wine Sauce
- Shoulder of Lamb
- Sauteed Prawns
- Salmon Pate
Desserts (circle all that apply):
- Ice Cream
- Strawberries in Bavarian Cream
- Caramel Almond Custard
- Chocolate Mousse
- Vanilla Sauce Souffle
- Upside Down Apple Tart
- Crepes with Orange Butter
- Three Butter Cream cake
List three references that I might contact (No dogs, please):
Cartoons by Mark Parisi, posted with special permission.
For many more "off the mark" cat cartoons, please visit Mark's site at http://www.offthemark.com/cat.htm
Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is using the computer ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem
Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper on the roll
Fast as thou art, thou cannot run through closed doors
Thou shall not vomit from high places
Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or act as thou art transparent
Thou shalt not push open the toilet door when there are guests in the house, using the toilet
Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt on the dinner table
Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face
Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's lap region
Thou shalt not re-set thy human's alarm clock by walking on it
Thou shalt not climb on the rubbish bin with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thy self
Thou shalt not jump onto thy human's lap when thy human is sitting on the toilet
Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4am
Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at every opportunity
Thou shalt not trip thy human even if they walketh too slow
Thou shalt show remorse when scolded
I'm only a cat, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and I stay in my place...
Up there on your chair,
on your bed or your face!
I'm only a cat,
and I don't finick much...
I'm happy with cream
and anchovies and such!
I'm only a cat,
and we'll get along fine...
As long as you know
I'm not yours... you're all mine!
The End of the Raven
By Edgar Allen Poe's Cat
On a night quite unenchanting,
when the rain was downward slanting,
I awakened to the ranting of the man I catch mice for.
Tipsy and a bit unshaven, in a tone I found quite craven,
Poe was talking to a Raven perched
above the chamber door.
'Raven's very tasty,' thought I,
as I tiptoed o'er the floor,
'There is nothing I like more'
Soft upon the rug I treaded,
calm and careful as I headed
Towards his roost atop that dreaded
bust of Pallas I deplore.
While the bard and birdie chattered,
I made sure that nothing clattered,
Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered,
as I crossed the corridor;
For his house is crammed with trinkets,
curios and weird decor -
Bric-a-brac and junk galore.
Still the Raven never fluttered,
standing stock-still as he uttered,
In a voice that shrieked and sputtered,
his two cents' worth -
While this dirge the birdbrain kept up,
oh, so silently I crept up,
Then I crouched and quickly leapt up,
pouncing on the feathered bore.
Soon he was a heap of plumage,
and a little blood and gore -
Only this and not much more.
'Oooo!' my pickled poet cried out,
'Pussycat, it's time I dried out!
Never sat I in my hideout talking to a bird before;
How I've wallowed in self-pity,
while my gallant, valiant kitty
Put an end to that damned ditty'
- then I heard him start to snore.
Back atop the door I clambered,
eyed that statue I abhor,
Jumped - and smashed it on the floor.
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
- Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
- Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
- Retrieve cat from under bed and throw soggy pill away.
- Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
- Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse for help.
- Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold the cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into it's mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
- Retrieve cat from curtain rail, remove another pill from foil wrap
- Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered vase and set aside for glueing later.
- Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pen and blow down drinking straw.
- Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans; drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
- Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto its neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
- Fetch screwdriver and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
- Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
- Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Put on heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Pry cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
- Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop at garden shop to buy new gloves. Call furniture shop to order new table. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
- Wrap the pill in bacon.
Cat lost his struggle on earth and went to Heaven. Next morning God was doing his rounds and greeting all the newcomers. He stopped by Cat and enquired how he enjoyed life on Earth. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It was terrible", said Cat. "I was so miserable, having to scrounge and scratch for my every meal and sleep out in the cold and rain".
"Never mind", said God. "We will look after you", and gave Cat a large plump cushion to sleep on.
Next day, God stopped by a group of mice, also new arrivals and asked how they enjoyed life on Earth.
"It was awful", said the mice. "We were chased all day and our little ankles and legs are so sore".
"Never mind". said God, "You will be very comfortable here", and gave them a pair of roller skates each.
A few days later God stopped by Cat again and asked how he was enjoying Heaven.
"Wonderful", said Cat. "My cushion is so comfortable and the meals on wheels are fabulous!"
The following short poem was written for me about me by a good friend.
Anne is a computer whizz,
She sure knows her real estate biz,
From dawn to dusk she sits at her monitor,
"Go to lunch, have a break", her workmates go-on-at-her!
But leave her computer she just will not,
It's in her blood and it's running hot!
From brochures to wages she's on a roll,
Computer madness has taken control.
But, look there is another passion,
Her Oriental cats are all the fashion.
She grooms her felines until they look just right,
So "shake" that mouse and return to the screen,
there's bound to be more pussycats on the net to be seen.
Many thanks to Jacqueline MacKenzie ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Charismatic Autonomous Terminator (CAT)
The Mark I Charismatic Autonomous Terminator (CAT) system is a family of intelligent, stealthy, terminal-homing mouse-seeking missiles featuring multi-sensor targeting with dual night-vision devices, and neural-net architecture. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The CAT's self-righting inertial platform allows launch from any attitude. Integrated multi-aspect attack profile with indefinite-loiter mode ensure a wide lethality envelope. Upon target engagement, the CAT deploys four clusters of retractable sub-munitions in addition to the primary warhead, providing an enhanced radius of destruction.
The CAT uses regular or exotic solid or liquid fuel and is equipped with a low-signature exhaust-obscuration system. Firmware and connectors compatible with any unit of the Mark I series guarantee unlimited expansion capability, making the CAT system a cost-effective countermeasure to the projected spectrum of rodent-threat scenarios well into the next century.
The CAT is now available* from Acme Anti-Roadrunner Systems Division of McDonald Dynamics. See us at the Paris Air Show, Tom Clancy's next movie, or ring xxxxxxxxx for immediate free delivery.
* Cannot be shipped to Iraq.
If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them:
Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes
Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes
Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males
Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait
Bimbag - a blonde's purse
Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag
Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes
Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes
Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard
Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything
Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook
Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her
Bimboette - a young blonde
Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else
Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes
Bimboozle - to fool a blonde
Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence
Bimbozo - another name for a blonde
Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes
Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde
Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is
Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall