Bathrooms - Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
Doors - Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and pretend to think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, blowfly or mosquito season. When a blowfly does get in the house and before human has a chance to kill it, chase and catch it and while human is watching, eat the fly making loud crunching sounds at the same time. This is especially good at human's meal times.
Chairs and Rugs - If you have to throw up, get to a chair or bed quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag carpet is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so the vomit trail is as long as a humans bare foot.
Hampering - If one of your humans is engaged in some activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", but humans know it as "hampering". Following are the rules for hampering:
When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
For book readers, get in close under their chin, between eyes and book - even better if you can lie across the book itself.
When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen, and lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress. If there are shelves above the computer desk, jump up and hide. When the human is engrossed with their typing jump onto keyboard. This is sure to get a good reaction from human.
Walking - As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help with their coordination skills.
Bedtime - Always sleep on the human at night so she/he cannot move around. At least five times during the night walk over human's face, this is to assure them that you are alright.
Litter Box - When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes. If human buys a higher kitty box, pretend for a few days that you can't get the litter over the sides. Then when the human has cleaned the house, go to kitty tray and vigorously scratch kitty litter out onto just vacuumed floor. Spread kitty litter as far as you can.
Hiding - Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic, which they love to do, thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with kisses and love and you will most probably get a treat.
One Last Thought - Whenever possible, get close to your humans face, turn around and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. PS: Don't forget the guests, they especially find it appealing.
An open letter to my pets:
Dear Dogs and Cats: When I say to move. It means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way. The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster that you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping: they can actually curl up in a ball. Additionally, it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm on your part.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom, if by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open, I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cats butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...
Rules for Non -Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
They live here. You Don't.
If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
To you, it's an animal. To me they are my adopted children who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and do not speak clearly. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college and if they get pregnant you can sell the results.